A Shot In The Dark/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, around possum lodge, most guys don't worry too much about a little littering. But lately people have been losing their dogs in this stuff. So, okay, we need to cut down on the littering. Besides, it'll get you into trouble with a lot of those special interest groups, like homeowners or police... Or society. So today I'm gonna show you how you can maintain your civil right to hurl garbage out the window, but without getting into trouble. First thing you do is take a milk crate and carefully remove the bottom. Okay, I've attached a garbage bag to the open end of the milk crate here. That's actually gonna catch my garbage. And thanks to the himmelman hinge, the whole unit tucks away behind the van so it won't cut into the gas mileage. Even more environmentally friendly! I'm practically saving the planet here. And I can bring the crate out when I need it, thanks to this rope and pulley attached to the driver's window. But talk is cheap... It's only when you try my ideas it gets expensive. [ cheers and applause ] [ police siren ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. I bought a piece of land from junior singleton, and all it cost me was two pair, aces high. And then last night harold and I went up to take a look at it, and, uh, that was a setback. Now, junior had told me the land has a great view of the swamp, and it does... All you do is look straight down. Well, well, well, if it isn't donald chump! Well, that would make you my apprentice, then, wouldn't it, harold? Do I look normal to you, uncle red? You know, sometimes you just make it too easy for me. I'm not feeling well. I'm all sweaty and itchy and woozy. Don't forget sleep and dopey. There was a lot of bugs and mosquitoes up at that swamp. And based on my symptoms and this webpage I was just on, I may have contracted... North mile virus. Can you take a pill for that? No, I gotta get a shot. Wow! Well, you may too. Are you all itchy and feverish? No! No. I feel -- I think we're both fine, we're good. Are you afraid of needles? Harold, I'm married, I've been gettin' the needle for 38 years. You know, I think I'm just gonna go lie down on the cot in the basement. Fine, harold, fine. You're sure you're not itchy? I'm not itchy! I'm not itchy. A-a-all right! You're irritable, I'm not irritable. Maybe not, but you're a carrier. [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today, charlie farquharson will be playing for this coupon good for one overcooked quarter pounder at butcher bob's blackened burger bar, where if you can chew it, we didn't do it. Okay, cover your ears there, charlie. Red, you've 30 seconds to get charlie to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And... Go! Uh, okay, charlie, charlie! Okay, this is somebody who's self-employed. A farmer. No, no, this is a guy who takes a lot of risks in his job. A marijuana farmer. Okay, no. This is somebody who sees an opportunity and runs with it. A shoplifter. Okay, no, this is a guy who gets an idea but he uses other people's money to do it. A teenage son. No, this is like -- this is like a guy who runs, say, an enterprise. Captain kirk! No! No. Okay, okay, charlie, if a guy makes it big what is he? On viagra. R[ laughter and applause ] uh, red, you're almost outta time. I know. I know. Charlie, charlie, when you were growing up in parry sound, there must have been somebody who made a name for himself at something. Well, there was one fella spontaneously combust all over. Made a complete 'ash' of himself. Nice french fella. Yeah? What was his name? André préneur. Yeah! [ ♪ ] announcer: We have a surprise for young jimmy anderson. Today is career day, and jimmy will be spending it with a grown-up doing a very important job. I wanna be a fireman! [ doorbell ] [ ♪ ] do you like trucks? Cool, a fireman! Hey, mister, you smell. [ ♪ ] can I work the siren? [ ♪ ] you know, I agreed to do this because I love kids. [ ♪ ] I also love sucking sewage, and I wanted to show that to a young child. See, I don't have any kids of my own, so this is a huge opportunity for jimmy. I pointed out the tremendous amount of sewage in this area. And I told him, some day this could all be his. [ ♪ ] first-time jitters. You know, I really enjoyed this experience. It gave me a chance to connect with someone young and impressionable, and to have a little fun. [ ♪ ] winston: And you know, when it came time to say good-bye, I actually had a tear in my eye. So did he. Lay off, toilet boy. [ ♪ ] [ applause ] have you seen these fancy exhaust pipes they have? It's made of steel, but you can bend it any way you want. It's strong and flexible. Kind of like a middle aged man, except for the strong and flexible part. Well, this exhaust pipe is going to be the centrepiece of this week's handyman corner, because we're going to use it to extend the tailpipe on this vehicle. Of course, to do that, you're going to have undo the existing pipe and then insert this one somewhere near the middle. Now, the old pipe may be rusted on there pretty good. So you're gonna need a special wrench and a couple of clamps. [ cough ] safety goggles might have been a good idea. I'll just squint more. Boy, pretty rusty under there. Good thing the floor is gone. I could have suffocated. But now we've got our flexible pipe in place, and we can aim our exhaust anywhere we want. Kinda like when you were single. Now all we need is a way to keep the pipe up and steer it. So now I have my aiming mechanism in place. I used a clothesline, but you can use the steering system out of your boat. Well, not your boat, but someone's. So now when I turn the steering wheel, the tailpipe is pulled horizontally and vertically. So the technology is two-dimensional in character, much like myself. Now, you'll be aiming through the rearview mirror, so everything will be backwards. But I put the hood ornament on there to work as a sight. Okay... We're gettin' there. Now all we gotta do is add a little fire power. And at my age the best place to look for that is under the hood... Of the car. I took one of the engine spark plugs, mounted it on the muffler here. Had to extend the wire a bit, not sure how good the connections are, but I find with real high voltage, it's not all that crucial. Stuck a piece of doweling into the spark plug hole. Wanted to use one of the corks from my wine bottle, but it's the wrong size thread. See, the spark plug mounted here allows the gas to explode in the muffler rather than back in the engine. Why am I doing this, you ask. Well, you like skiing, tobogganing, snowmobiling, a white christmas? Well, then you need a snow cannon. Now you can have snow where you want and when you want just like at those fancy ski resorts, but at a fraction of the cost, excluding legal fees. Now just aim your tailpipe at wherever you want your blizzard delivered. You'll have lift-off right after ignition, believe me. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Actually, this is one snow job she'll thank you for. [ applause ] I want to talk to you guys who have people who look up to you and ask for your advice. They see something in you, don't they? And we both know they're wrong. Oh, sure, yeah, you used to know everything. You had opinions on the way kids dressed, until your kids found the pictures of you in the madras captain with leo sayer hair and the mr t necklaces. You thought you knew what was wrong with the government until every great guy you voted into office turned into a moron. You knew how annoying and stupid cell phones were until your motorhome broke down in utah. You knew kids were wasting time on computers until you bought a truss on e-bay. So now what do you know? Well, you know that you know nothing. Just don't admit it. If people come at you with questions, ask a question back. Questions like, "how did it fall?" or "do you have all the pieces?" or "how much time do we have before your wife gets home?" you never need answers when you have questions. Will it work? Well, what do you think? Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Well, that north mile virus that harold and I picked up isn't getting any better. It won't kill you, but after a few nights you almost wish that it would. Uncle red, is that doctor here yet? Not yet, no. Harold, you've got to get a door on your microwave. No, this is lotion for the itch. Oh. Hey, great dance, boys. Now try the watussi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you want, dalton? A camera. Here, they just came priority post. Oh, okay. You know, they sell pimple cream in flesh tone. Okay, it's from the medical clinic. "dear sirs, "we cannot come to the lodge as the virus you've contracted "is extremely contagious." what does it really say? Ha! That's what it -- look at this. Oh, that's low. "in the meantime, "please find enclosed two syringes." here you go. Wow. What you looking for, harold? A really tiny nurse. Oh, we don't need a nurse. We'll just do this ourselves. I can't give myself a shot. No, no, no, no, no. You give me a shot, I'll give you a shot, all right? Okay. Okay. Okay. All righty. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I'll go first. Okay, all right. Why do I always have to be the mature one? I feel like I'm in a peter sellers movie. "dr. Strangelove?" no, a shot in the dork. Ahhh. Owww! [ applause ] red: Harold and walter had gone for a hike in the woods, there. And walter had kind of a normal-sized backpack, and harold went the ultra-deluxe -- figures he's going to get lost. He carries the map and doesn't always look where he's going. Stepped right on walter's foot, there. Comes back the other way and repeats it. And he comes over to apologize. Walter's not that interested. So harold takes off the backpack. It's a heavy unit. So the idea is that he's going to hang it on a tree. All he needs to find is a tree that has a nail in it. Oh, there we go. And of course, the weight of the backpack pulls the tree right over. So harold's a little concerned. He's wondering if that fell on walter's foot. Apparently yes. So walter gets the bandage on there. And harold's trying to be helpful. Brings him one of these walking sticks and demonstrates how to use a walking stick. Something like that. So walter tries the walking stick. It doesn't go real well. Oh! Okay, so we got to go to plan b, which is harold carries both backpacks, and walter walks in a way that will not hurt the injured foot. And he's pretty creative that walter. So they're walking along. Harold hears a buzzing noise, and it's not just coming from his head as usual. He looks up and there's a beehive up there. So harold knows the safest thing to do with a beehive is to tap on it, but it seems pretty solid. I guess they're okay. And then walter doesn't notice that it actually drops out of the tree and -- that can't be good. Oh boy, oh boy. Oh no, oh no. How does he do that? So then harold -- no, harold, no, no, no. Now he's going to swing and hit it. Unfortunately, he hits the foot. And then he gets -- he does get the prybar in there and just flips it right out. And okay, we're good. We're good, we're good. What he doesn't notice is that it dropped into his backpack. So harold picks up the backpack. I think we'll see harold again. Here he comes. Yeah, yeah. Harold's gone to hollywood to be in a bee movie by the look of it. [ applause ] if you're like me, you don't want to get up in the morning. Heck, most days, you don't want to even get up in the afternoon. But if through some miracle, or managerial oversight, you manage to land yourself a job, chances are you're going to have to get up early. The problem with alarm clocks is you can reach over and shut them off or smash them to bits with your work boot and go right back to sleep. You need an alarm that will get you up, not just wake you up. Okay, so what you do is you take the two outside legs of your bed and you move them to the middle. Oh, sure, you've got to learn to just sleep on your side of the bed, but I'm guessing you're used to that. And in the morning when the immovable object, you, meets the unstoppable force, gravity, you're going to find out that gravity wins every time. [ clock ticking ] [ alarm ] [ applause ] well, I just had my needle, and I feel great. I'm proud of myself. I took it like a man. Hey, that wasn't so bad at all. No. Oh, you got a red one. C'mon harold, trade me, will you? No, you already licked yours. Oh, okay. No! Is it safe? Yeah, yeah. C'mon in, dalton. Everything's fine. You guys finally stopped being chicken and gave each other the shot, huh? No, no, no. Apparently, we're not contagious anymore, so the clinic just sent somebody over to give us the needle. Oh, I hope he was gentle with you. Oh, yeah. So anyone else feeling feverish? Me, me! I'm feverish, itchy. Oh, boy, I believe I'm going to be requiring immediate medical attention. I may even need to be bedridden for -- for -- how long have you been feeling like this? A couple of days. I have what they have. I'm going to need what they got. Hm, well, why don't you wait for me in my car? Why do you have to give him the shot in your car? Oh, no, no, no. You see a shot won't cover it. People who catch the virus through human exposure, much harder to cure. We're going to have to put him in quarantine for weeks and put him through a battery of invasive tests. Not going to be pretty. You know, you should tell them down there dalton's afraid of needles. You might want to go with suppositories. [ possum squealing ] someone doesn't sound well. Oh, no, no, no. That was our possum squeal. We have a meeting now. We have to go. Oh, okay. Well, thanks for everything. Harold? So if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I'm healthy as a horse, stubborn as a mule and hoping to be happy as a rabbit. And the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself, and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down, guys. You got to sit down. Hurry up and sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. Okay, men, the disease is cured, the itchiness is completely gone, except for dalton who you can see is a late scratch. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com